Grief is a whole-person response to loss. It involves our emotions, our thoughts, our bodies, our spirits, and our whole selves. How do people grieve? In every way imaginable!

• Some cry, others wail.
• Some ask questions, some want answers.
• Some scream or yell, others are quieter.
• Some want to be alone; others want friends and family close by.
• Some just want to keep busy; others find it hard to do much of anything.
• Some talk, others keep their thoughts and feelings inside.

Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences ? the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice. A person's anger during grief can range from being angry with the person who died to being angry with God, and all points in between.  

 Angry feelings are a normal and healthy response to the death of a loved one.  Emotions such as anger are not right or wrong, they simply are. Life at times hurts and that hurt generates anger. We often see anger as the enemy, so we continue to deny it and the pressure continues to build. Many of us were inaccurately taught as children that it is not ?nice? to be angry. It is best to recognize and express this anger rather than to deny or repress it.
           
Anger may be directed at OURSELVES.  We are cross at ourselves that we are not handling our grief better or that we somehow were not able to prevent the death.  Anger directed at ourselves can be dangerous.

It also may be directed at GOD.  He can handle our anger. We get angry with people we love. We tell then how we feel. We don?t expect them to reject us for our words or to change something that can?t be changed. We want them to give us a hearing and to care about how we feel.  Our purpose is to develop understanding and to clear the air.

Our anger may be directed at OTHERS, the ambulance crew, the funeral director, a nurse, another family member, or other ?intact? families who have not had a loved one die. It is important to recognize such anger. We are not really angry with them. Often it is displaced anger.

For some people, their anger may be directed at the DECEASED.  It is understandable that our loved one might receive some of our anger.  You may feel as outraged as an abandoned child.  You may feel ?how could you die and leave me??  Since that seems unreasonable the very thought is suppressed.  It is healthy to express such anger but be sure that you are with someone who is understanding and accepting of your need to verbalize the full impact of your anger.

A more difficult type of anger to recognize is the GENERAL just plain being angry.  You are not angry with anyone, but angry that your loved one has died. You may be angry because you hurt so much.

Children

Children feel the loss of loved ones just as intensely as adults do, although this grief is often expressed in different ways: through play, art or even acting out.

When a family member dies, children react differently from adults. Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible--a belief reinforced by cartoon characters that "die" and "come to life" again. Children between five and nine begin to think more like adults about death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know.

Adding to a child's shock and confusion at the death of a brother, sister or parent is the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of child care.

Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as danger signals. According to child and adolescent psychiatrists, it is normal during the weeks following the death for some children to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is still alive. But long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief is unhealthy and can later surface in more severe problems.  

Children will cope with grief according to the stressors created by their relationship to the person (or animal) that has died.

Ages and Stages

Newborn to 3 Years

Even the youngest of children sense when their family routine is disrupted and those around them experience emotional upset. However, infants and toddlers have little understanding of death.

Child's reaction:

Changes in sleeping, eating and mood.

Ages 3 - 6 Years

Typically, a child will not understand that death is permanent. The child may think of it as temporary or magically reversible, or may even appear to be unaffected. Fears that dead people may be cold or hungry in the grave are common.

Child's reaction:

May have frightening dreams, repeat questions about death, revert to earlier behaviors.

Children may play out the events surrounding the death. Children this age will take words literally. Since children have limited experiences, they make sense of the world by connecting events that don't relate. For example: Aunt Sally died from a headache. Daddy says he has a headache. Maybe he will die, too.

Ages 6 - 9 Years

A child this age may view death as something that comes and takes people away or can be caught like a cold.

Some children may still think the dead person will return. Guilt may make a child feel responsible for the death through her own wishful thinking (I wish he would die!), harsh words (You'll be the death of me yet.) or not doing something (I didn't help Grandpa mow the lawn. Now he died.). Fears related to death may arise.

Child's reaction:

The child may feel distressed, confused and sad or show no signs at all. Fear of abandonment by other family members is common. Often these children are obsessed with the causes of death, as well as the physical processes to the body after death

Ages 9 - 12 Years

Preteens have a better understanding of the permanence of death. Some children in this age range may appear to be unaffected by death on the surface. They may see death as a punishment for bad deeds.

Child's reaction:

Anger directed at a variety of people -- self, parents, others, the person who died, siblings. Guilt and grief stem from the anger as do feelings of responsibility.

Teens

Teens have an adult-like understanding of the finality of death and realization that everyone will die. They may inappropriately assume responsibility for adult concerns, such as family and financial well-being.

Teens may assume the roles of the deceased person or deny feelings and express anger which creates added pain.

Teen's reaction:

May feel confused, responsible, helpless, angry, sad, lonely, afraid or guilty.

• Children 12 year and under.
• Teen for 13 and over.
• Adults